Letting go an inch at a time . . .

Summer is around the corner. It has been warm these last weeks, and all the little boys in the neighborhood are out and about.

Okay, maybe the boys aren't so little any more . . . .

When we first moved here, everyone started having babies. There ended up being a run on boys around the time Henry was born. Right now in the neighborhood, there are 8 boys all within a few years of one another. When they were just toddlers, it was so cute to see all the little boys playing with trucks in someone's backyard, as the moms watched securely from the side. At that time, the worst thing that ever happened was a short-lived tussle over a Bob the Builder forklift.

But all that has changed. Now the boys are 5 and 6 and 7 years old, and they want to be out . . . hanging out together, in a big pack, going from house to house to house, having fun, and not having mom looking over their shoulder asking if they put the seat down and washed their hands.

"Hey! What happened to the trucks in backyard? Wasn't that fun too?? Wait, wait . . . I could go find the forklift!! Come baaacccckkkk . . . . "

Right now, being with the boys is a big deal for Henry. They come and ring the door bell and say "can Henry play? " and of course he wants to play. I remember that feeling. The pack instinct. Really really wanting to be included. I know that is part of growing up, and it is especially important for Henry. He is speaking up for himself and feeling comfortable with new kids and new situations. And for that, I am absolutely thrilled. Really big steps!! So, on one hand, I'm gushing! But, damn that other hand . . . I have to admit, I'm scared. Quite scared, actually. (I guess this is why you have to be careful for what you ask for, because you just might get it . . . )

I absolutely do not want to be the overbearing mother with the adult kid who needs to go to therapy at age 22 because he is trying to reverse all of the mama-imposed damage. But honestly, I'm struggling with letting go. Struggling with not knowing where Henry is all the time, and what he is doing all the time and who he is talking to all the time. Damn, I have a hard time letting him go to play on his own in our own house, much less out in the world.

Ray hasn't had a very strong opinion on most of this. Although he is more protective of the kids on some issues, he is pretty relaxed on this one. Ray grew up in a household where the he and his siblings ran around all day on their own, and they were lucky if someone even noticed that they made it back to their beds at night. Definitely a different perspective. And, as Ray noted to me, odds are that we are pretty much living in one of the safest neighborhoods in the whole damn country . . . .

For me, this situation feels a little like when Henry was first born. I was overtaken by a way-powerful, out-of-nowhere mama bear instinct. I used to lie in bed, thinking about all of the horrible, unspeakable things that could happen to my precious baby boy. And, then I'd try to calm myself by thinking about how I would jump into action, with super-mother powers, to protect him. (really - no cape or anything, but I did imagine lots of leaping and near-flying). For the first few months of Henry's life, those tapes would play over and over in my head. Eventually, I settled into motherhood, and the tapes quieted down. But now, here we go again. The tape is back on, and this time, I may actually have to resort to finding a cape . . . .

Logically, I know there are countless things that are completely out of my control as Henry moves into the world. Just like there are things completely out of my control when we simply drive to school in the morning. I know that I need to trust (and hope and pray and teach and watch out my front window - a lot!!)

And all of this leads up to the rules . . . (#5: See the List 101 in 1001).

Yesterday, Henry, Ray and I put together a list of family rules for the summer. We talked about how Henry is getting old enough for certain privileges, like being able to play in the neighborhood with friends. We talked about having fun and staying safe. Together, we came up with 5 rules Henry must follow or he will be grounded. Period. We then posted the rules. At first they were posted front and center on the refrigerator, but then I decided I could be a little more discreet, and now they are inside a kitchen cabinet door.

(I really wanted to have them inked onto Henry's stomach, but I couldn't find a tattoo artist who would take on a kindergartener).

So, now the poor kid hears me trying to drill the rules in his head. Yesterday he even said "mom don't quiz me about the rules. Just read them to me if you have to." Poor, poor kid . . .

Most important to me though are the general rules at the bottom of the list: "WATCH OUT. Make smart choices. Trust yourself. Be yourself. Run, yell and tell." (Henry added that last one, courtesy of his karate master). I just want to teach Henry to think. To listen to himself. To not give in to kid-pressure just because. To be who he is. He is a smart kid. I want to keep him safe, and still let him have a BLAST this summer.

Be safe AND have a blast. Is that too much to ask??

So far, Henry is really doing well with all of this. Rules followed to a tee.

And, I guess I'm holding my own too, all things considered! Somehow, I will learn to breathe when Henry is not in my immediate sight line. When he is not in my arms, telling me what a great day he had hanging out with his friends. When he is not sitting next to me on the couch watching Electric Company. When he is not cuddling on my lap as I bury my nose in his hair and am overwhelmed with the miracle that he is.

And, when he is with me for these things, I will love that precious time all the more . . . .

Breathe, breathe, breathe . . . .

About Anna . . .

1) Her nuks are her most prized possessions. Her love for her nuks rank a close second to the love she feels for her family. One nuk is never enough. Neither is two. Three is perfect: one in her mouth, one in her right hand (for her upper lip), and one in her left hand ready to switch out as necessary. (I’m still not sure of her switching criteria). These days, Anna’s nuks have been relegated to stay in her bed (new house rules). So, during the course of the day, Anna is often found in her bed, having a “quick rest” and stealing a few quiet moments with her nuks.

2) She loves to sing and especially dance. For a three year old, she actually has quite the moves. Her urge to dance goes hand in hand with her desire to be the center of attention. But, even if no one is watching, she will dance, just because it feels right to her. On more than one occasion, she has left the dinner table in the middle of a meal, declaring, “I gotta dance mama,” and only to return when the urge has been resolved.

3) She prefers to be naked. If it were acceptable, she would be naked all day, everyday, everywhere. And, if she is not naked, she is rifling through her closet and pulling clothes on and off in rapid succession. As soon as something gets the slightest spot (which doesn’t take long), she pulls off the pants or shirt or skirt, declares “papa wash it,” and moves on to the next outfit. And even at three, we can definitely see that she is developing a style all her own.

4) She is fiercely independent and makes it known that she has an opinion on anything and everything. Her independence will keep her busy on her own for an hour at a time. She has a sassy-ness that serves her very well. Already, she will say something simply for the sake of drama. “Oh . . . My . . . Gosh . . . “ Her eyes are so expressive that she will some day dismiss suitors with the bat of an eyelash.

5) She adores her brother “Hen-dee”. She will come to his defense anytime he gets in trouble or is being “talked-to.” She’ll run over and shake her fist at whoever is doling out the discipline, saying “be nice to Hen-dee. But, we are also starting to see a little rivalry between them, most often instigated by Anna. She will talk very loudly and non-stop when he is trying to say something, or she’ll turn the TV off when he is watching something, all just to bug him.

6) She is fairly adventurous when it comes to food, and is willing to try most anything. But, if she doesn’t like it, it is coming right back out. She loves ice cream, chocolate, frosting, and gum. Loves coffee in the morning with mom. Loves eggs and salsa. Loves berries of all kinds. Loves happy meals (Mama, I want a burger, pench pies, apples and choco-milk.”)

7) She is loud and silly and wild and brave and strong and makes me laugh more than anyone else I’ve ever met. (The really big laugh . . . the don't-let-her-see-you-because-it-will-only-encourage-her, hide-behind-your-arm, tears-running-down-your-face kind of laugh).

8) She loves to be outside anytime, doing anything. She loves The Wiggles, iCarly, Stuart Little, Lilo & Stitch, and Harry Potter (Harry Potter mostly because Henry loves it). Loves her friends Emily, Ava, Carter. Loves being at Tonya’s. Loves going anywhere. Loves her books.

9) She is a pack-rat. She loves to carry things around with her. Whether it is a “pack-pack,” a lunch bag, a book bag or a purse, Anna fills the bag with anything handy and meaningful to her at the moment, and then carries it along with her everywhere!

10) She is tuned into her feelings and everyone else’s too. She is quick to say “I’m sorry,” or “I’m happy now” or “ thank you” or “welcome.” Lately, she’s started asking how we are feeling too. “Mommy, you feel happy?” She is the first to go over to Henry when he’s been hurt or is feeling sad. She’ll stroke his back and say “It’s okay, Hen-dee.”

11) She has a very sweet and gentle spirit. She appreciates a good cuddle, especially when she has just woken up in the morning. At night, she will fall asleep next to me, stroking my cheek or my arm, for both her comfort and mine. She is first in line for a hug from anyone. And for Grandpa, he gets a kiss on both cheeks.

12) She is our miracle. She came to us after a sadness that was absolute and overwhelming. And, now, what she has brought to us is also absolute and overwhelming, but full of joy and love and amazement. She makes our family imperfectly perfect!

Happy 3rd birthday sweet girl . . . . We love you more than you can imagine.
(#6: See the List 101 in 1001)

So much joy . . .

Anna turns three on Thursday . . . three!! I'm working on her birthday letter right now, and my heart is bursting . . . . (#6: See The List: 101 in 1001)