Some days - well actually most days - I'd like to freeze time. Not for very long. And certainly not to try and stop my dear ones from growing up or from becoming who they are. I've come to terms with that part of motherhood (and somehow, it really does keep getting better)....Nope, I simply want to stop the clock and catch my breath. I'm not asking for much - simply an extra few minutes here and there. It's just that sometimes my brain needs a chance to process all the "amazing" that is whizzing by at warp speed....
Frankly, I'm totally blown away by this whole mama thing.....By all the things Henry and Anna say and do everyday. By the little looks they give me and by the music I hear in their voices. So many things are going on, all at once, and I know this time is so fleeting....
For me.....trying to appreciate all of it - well it feels like mama-overload.
Bottom-line: I want to REMEMBER - - All.Of.It. The subtleties and the in-your-face craziness and and the hilarious things they do that make me double over laughing. I want all the sweetness and silliness to make an indelible impression in my brain. I want to be able to pull it up again 20 years from now. Someday, I want to share these things with their kids.
But darn, it just goes too fast. I'm afraid I'll forget.
And so I write....
Yesterday after preschool, Anna and I decided to get a car wash. From the back seat, she laughed when I told her how she used to cry and cry at the car wash when she was a baby. "But now I am big and I like it," she said, feeling proud that the fear was gone. It's goofy, but Henry loves the car wash too. I think there is something about the rhythm of the water and the surprise of the next cycle. And of course there's the kid-enticing colored soap. "Mom, it looks like a rainbow," Anna said as the orange and blue and green bubbles streaked down our windows and left a brief fruity/soapy smell in the car. Anna squealed "I wish I could eat it up."
"What do you think it would taste like?" I asked.
Anna flashed me a completely perplexed look, wondering why I was missing the very obvious.
Flatly she said "It tastes like rainbow, mom."
From now on, I will never forget what a rainbow must taste like.
A few nights ago, Anna asked for a bedtime snack.
"Mom, can I have a glass of milk and a Pop Tauwt" (Translate: Pop Tart).
Of course, we didn't have Pop Tarts, but I made dear Anna repeat her request two more times anyway. I needed to hear it. To let the sound of the words drift a little further into my brain.
"Pop Tauwt mama, I'd like a Pop Tauwt."
I know that pretty soon those "R" sounds will develop for her and Anna will say Pop Tart. Just like everyone else.
So, I want to remember. The perfect 4-year-old way she pronounces her words. I want to remember it when she is 27.
(For the record, Anna had bluebewwies for a snack that night).
Sometimes, if he is the first kid up in the morning (which is rare), Henry will find me, usually at my desk working. Still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he'll crawl into my lap. It doesn't happen often anymore. He's seven and barely fits with his long, lanky legs. But if he folds up just right, it's a perfect snuggle.
I want to remember the weight of Henry on my lap. The feeling of him scooting and squirming to find the right spot, even through his legs keep falling off the sides. And I want to remember his quiet morning voice, telling me that he had a good sleep....That he is ready for his day.
I can't let those sweet moments get away.
And so I write. And I take pictures. Trying to savor just a little more of the sweetness. Helping me to remember.....
I realized that I never posted more than a few of the pictures from my own photo session with Henry and Anna this Fall. I wrote about it, but that was it. So here are a few of my favorites.
With these pictures, THIS day has become permanent. I won't forget.